When I kissed Keaton for the first time, I didn’t even know his name… Hell, I didn’t even know what he looked like, it had been so dark all night. Yet I still found myself inching closer to him, on his best friend’s water bed, as if I had been attracted to him the whole night… Which I hadn’t been. Throughout the night of running around with my best friend and these four boys, he had made it clear that he was the BIGGEST handful. Actually… I think I had come to despise him in that short amount of time I had just begun to know him. Yet there was still that invisible thing between us… And maybe his ridiculousness did make me laugh.
At the time, I was technically interested in one of his friends… But the blonde-haired boy I saw through rose-colored glasses, fell asleep on the floor, leaving me alone and on a bed with a total stranger.
In the moment that our lips touched I was prepared to be deflowered, baked, and served on a platter… Something I hadn’t been willing to do. Ever. Unfortunately, it was actually physically impossible for me to even engage in intercourse of the index finger, because yes, I was that tight. It was maybe not the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me, and was probably more pain inducing than anything… But what I didn’t know, was that it was only the beginning.
I woke up with a pillow thrown in my face at 5am, the boy I had engaged in “in-betweens” with the night before, grumpy as all hell, and not willing to leave the bed… And apparently not willing to say goodbye. I left under the impression that I wouldn’t speak to him again… I didn’t have his number and I barely had his name.
I was totally wrong.
My sleepy, blonde friend, seemingly oblivious to the events that occurred in the night, and thankfully so (I still had interest), took me and my bestie home, where we finished a couple more hours of sleep.
I woke up again to being reminded that I had to attend a holy “Mormon Homeschool Prom” (no, I am not homeschooled) to which I was invited a month before. Clearly sleep-deprived and crazy confused that morning of getting ready was absolutely nuts. I had managed to be totally unprepared with a dress that wasn’t “Mormon standard”, and I also managed to rear end a very rude woman on the highway. Who knows, I still managed to pull it together! As I was finishing up the final touches on the fiasco of my Mormon look of the night, my phone buzzed… And it was then that I got the text message that would just about change my life for the rest of summer.
I don’t usually acknowledge my feelings until they hit me right in the face. It’s a hard feat to finally have to accept how you really and truly feel about someone… And about things. When you have too much time to yourself, you tend to dwell on it all, and I’ve had one of the loneliest weekends I’ve had in a very long time.
My life and relationships are simple. I wake up, I go to an early morning church seminar, I go to school, I go to theater rehearsal, I go to dance, and then I come home, continue doing work, and go back to sleep. It’s a rapid cycle of a lot of working, and not a lot of thinking. I tend to like to jam pack my weekends too… With football games, dinners, sleepover, and other things. I have many friends… I have accepted my theater crew altogether. I have many friends in the band program at my school. I have befriended many others at other schools. Yet, none of these people I feel I can talk to. My best friend, who goes to another school, was ripped away from me after we found ourselves in a bit of a sticky situation with her parents. I am sleeping with someone who I’ve tried dating in the past that I may or may not still have feelings for, in an agreement that we would stay friends, and I have had to push away many other relationship opportunities to not lose this great “friend” of mine, who I can’t seem to let go of… I think that’s my greatest downfall right now. Sitting here thinking about it hurts me the most.
And in that case… I want to stop thinking about it. I don’t really know how to end this… Except to say that I don’t want to be a bad person. I feel like I may not be enough sometimes…
I want to be engulfed in my work. I don’t want to be sitting here right now dwelling on the consequences of my life. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to keep it blocked out. I’ve done a really good job of that lately.
If there’s anything I want the most is to be surrounded by the love of someone who doesn’t judge me and my actions. I want someone to care for me as much as I care for them whether it be a friend or a significant other… and to understand my side of things… But as if that’s not what everyone wants, right?